Reset Marriage: Divorce and Remarriage
Sadly, divorce and remarriage are widespread realities in the body of Christ today. Many Christians have questions about divorce and remarriage. As we talk about the subjects of divorce and remarriage, we must avoid two extremes. First, we must avoid saying more on this subject than the Bible actually says. Sometimes, in our zeal to condemn divorce and save marriages, we condemn those who have been divorced. We must not erect walls that the Bible does not set up. Secondly, we must avoid saying less than what the Bible says. In our zeal to reach hurting people and offer grace, we sometimes lower the biblical standard. The church has simply winked at unbiblical divorce because it would be too painful to hold Christians to the high standard of God’s word.
- Last weekend we attempted to help people reset their marriages from Malachi 2:10-16. We could not talk about marriage without talking about the painful subject of divorce. After I preached, I was left with the uneasy feeling of not having answered some questions that people may have had about divorce and remarriage. These questions and answers are a small attempt to address your questions regarding the issue of divorce and remarriage. I will admit that I am so far from having all the answers on this issue. However, my study of scripture and my relationship with many experienced believers, Bible teachers, scholars mentors (including, Dr. Ed Dobson, Dr. Jim Samra, Clare Degraaf, Michael Teague, Dr. E.K. Bailey, Dr. Ray Pritchard, Dr. Ron Hawkins, Dr. David Turner), and so many more, have given me a biblical handle on the issue and have shaped and continue to shape my thinking regarding it.
- 1. What are biblical reasons or grounds for divorce?
The Bible suggests that “marital unfaithfulness” is the only scriptural reason that warrants God’s permission for divorce and remarriage. Many different interpretations exist among Christian teachings as to the exact definition of "marital unfaithfulness." The Greek word for marital unfaithfulness found in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9 translates to mean any form of sexual immorality including adultery, prostitution, fornication, pornography, and incest. Since the sexual union is such a crucial part of the marriage covenant, breaking that bond seems to be a permissible, biblical ground for divorce. Even though it is permissible, healing, reconciliation and the restoration of the marriage should be pursued by both spouses. I know of no other biblical grounds for divorce.
But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:32
I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. Matthew 19:9 - 2. I am a believer, but my spouse is not. Should I divorce my unbelieving spouse and marry a believer?
No, you should not divorce your unbelieving spouse and try and marry a believer. If your unbelieving spouse desires to remain married to you, then you should remain faithful. Your continued witness of the love of Jesus Christ may win him/her to Christ.
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.. 1 Corinthians 7:12-13
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 1 Peter 3:1-2 - 3. I am a believer, but my spouse, who is an unbeliever, has left me and filed for divorce.
If at all possible, pursue reconciliation and restoration of the marriage. If reconciliation is not possible, you are not obligated to remain in this marriage.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? 1 Corinthians 7:15-16 - 4. I am a believer, but my spouse who is a believer, has left me and filed for divorce. My spouse is not remarried.
If at all possible, pursue reconciliation and restoration of the marriage. Also, see question # 6 - 5. I pursued an unbiblical divorce. Neither one of us have remarried. What should I do to demonstrate repentance and obedience to God's Word?
If at all possible seek reconciliation and be reunited in marriage to your former spouse. Otherwise, you are not free to remarry another person.
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 - 6. I pursued an unbiblical divorce. Reconciliation and restoration are no longer possible because one of us has remarried.
Though divorce is a serious matter in God's opinion (Malachi 2:16), it is not the unforgivable sin. If you confess your sins to God and ask for forgiveness, you are forgiven (1 John 1:9) and can move on with your life. If you can confess your sin to your former spouse and ask forgiveness without causing further hurt, you should seek to do so. From this point forward you should commit to honor God's Word pertaining to marriage. Then if your conscience permits you to remarry, you should do so carefully and reverently when the time comes. Only marry a fellow believer. If your conscience tells you to remain single, then remain single. - 7. I am a believer and I did not want a divorce, but my ex-spouse unwillingly forced it on me. Reconciliation is no longer possible because of disobedience, hardness of heart, and unwillingness to reconcile. Does this mean I cannot marry again in the future?
In most cases, both parties are to blame in a divorce. However, in this situation, you are biblically considered the "innocent" spouse. You are free to remarry, but you should do so carefully and reverently when the time comes, and only marry a fellow believer. The principles taught in 1 Corinthians 7:15, Matthew 5:31-32 and Matthew 19:9 would apply in this case. - 8. My spouse physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abuses me. What should I do?
In the case of spousal abuse, the Bible does not directly address the issue. However, I would counsel and recommend that the spouse physically removing herself/himself from the abusive situation for her/his safety. Moreover, if there is a pattern of abuse, and the abusing spouse rejects biblical counsel and does not repent, then it may indicate the spouse is an unbeliever posing as a believer. Therefore, this situation may fall into the category of an unbelieving spouse whose sin and actions have destroyed the marital covenant. Wise spiritual leaders and godly Christian counselors can help the spouse make a proper decision. - 9. I divorced my spouse for unbiblical reasons and/or remarried before I became a Christian. What does this mean for me?
When you become a Christian, your past sins are washed away and you receive a brand new fresh start. Regardless of your marital history before you were saved, receive God's forgiveness and cleansing. From this point forward you should commit to honor God's Word pertaining to marriage.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:17-18 - 10. My spouse committed adultery (or another form of sexual immorality). According to Matthew 5:32 I have grounds for divorce. Should I get a divorce because I can?
One way to consider this question might be to think of all the ways we, as followers of Christ, commit spiritual adultery against God, through sin, neglect, idolatry, and apathy. But God does not forsake us. His heart is always to forgive and reconcile us back to him when we turn back and repent of our sin. We can and should extend this same measure of grace toward a spouse when they have been unfaithful, yet have come to a place of repentance. Marital unfaithfulness is extremely devastating and painful. Trust requires time to rebuild. Give God plenty of time to work in a broken marriage, and to work in each spouse's heart, before following through with divorce. Forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration of the marriage honors God and testifies of his amazing grace.
Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony. Colossians 3:12-14
- Note: These answers are simply meant as a guide for reflection and study. They are not offered as an alternative to godly, biblical counseling. If you have serious questions or concerns and are facing divorce or considering remarriage, I recommend that you seek counsel from godly, biblical counselors. In addition, there is no way we can answer all your questions in this brief document. Other circumstances must be reviewed on a case- by-case basis. Remember, we should be quick to forgive and slow to judge.
